39. The Libido

We all know and accept, I think, that our sexual drive is a constant presence in life representing a primal urge to live on every possible level. That the libido plays a part in all we do including problem-solving and constructive thinking, providing the kindling on the fire that makes successful business deals, legislative bills and peace accords. I also think we know that children are sexual beings already as babies and that, to ensure their sexual and psychological maturity, we must respect their auto-erotic needs.

That's why I call the taboo patriarchy imposes on free and unconstrained sexual activity one of the worst crimes committed against humanity. The repercussions on society of polluting this fountain of simple and easily available joy are so manifold that it's hard to take stock of them. But maybe the most seminal effect is the difficulty the sexes 
have to form whole and satisfying relationships with each other.

I have suggested that men have a twofold fear of woman--in her capacity as both
authority figure and sexual being, And I have described the universal phenomenon of misogyny as born of a hostility to the entire female sex that this fear had fomented in men; a hostility so momentous as to corrupt men's natural instincts. I'll  now take a look at male sexuality

Male sex
So far there hasn't been much public discussion about male sexuality. Because it's relatively easy for a man to release his sperm, it's been taken for granted that this also gives him an orgasm. But research shows--and many men know--that there is indeed a difference between orgasm and evacuation of sperm. Men can release sperm without experiencing any lust or very little (and sometimes feeling flat-out displeasure). They can also have non-ejaculatory orgasms, which are less intense and pleasurable but which can be quite enjoyable for older men, according to Shakti Amarantha in her article Ejaculation vs Orgasm. What's the difference? (Thought Catalog). "Orgasm," she writes, "happens in the brain, ejaculation in prostate and urethra. In brain scans, orgasms look like an epileptic fit--an electric storm that sweeps over the brain," 

Although a good amount of research has been done on male orgasm since Kinsey's first studies in the 1950's, "there is still much we don't know or understand," writes men's health expert Jerry Kennard in about.com/abouthealth. More is known about female orgasm than male. 

In his article in Den manliga Orgasmen, ed. Tor Nörrestrander, the Danish physician and sexologist Preben Hertoft says that being able to have an orgasm has got nothing to do
with technique or finding new stimulation. It has only to do with a man's personality, in particular his ability to enjoy intimacy. Because being able to experience intense pleasure at the release of sperm is a matter of feeling secure enough to let oneself go and about enjoying the dependence on one's partner without fear of losing control. 

I've found no statistics on how common the lack of orgasm is in men during sex with women, But some studies indicate it's more frequent than expected. Can the very scarcity of such information be linked to the current pressure on men to 'perform?' So that  the anxiety caused by this pressure may actually prevent them from even taking pleasure
into account when measuring the degree of their sexual satisfaction? Is it possible, in other words, that to many men what counts for sex to be successful is not how pleasurable it is but simply that they can do it--and rate as good performers?!

If this is so, it sheds light on fear of intimacy and commitment, a problem common in men (though by no means only in them), Because if we had believed that  the typically male angle on sex--getting laid as fast and as often as possible--sprang from a macho need to dominate women, we may have to reconsider. And ask instead if it doesn't spring from a wish to avoid women, to flee from dependence and closeness--and in essence from their own need of women? A proof, it seems to me, that the age-old but unacknowledged male fear of womanhood, the creator and foundation of the male inferiority complex, is still alive and kicking.

Sexual attraction
Some people wonder what will become of the sexual attraction once the sexes realize how alike they are. Will open display of men's feminine side and of women's masculine side take away the thrill of the differences, the mystery of the otherness? If, as the French say, the psyche is indeed genderless (l'âme n‘a pas de sexe), isn't the body too? 

I think the effect will be just the opposite. First, once both men and women feel that their 'bisexual' psyche is accepted, the less reason they will have to resent and envy each other. Second, only when they can be wholly themselves, free from old restrictions, will the sexes be able to fully appreciate the real differences between them. And the real differences are physical. 

Why haven’t we invented more imaginative and refined ways to savor everything that’s delicious about the corporeal presence of the opposite sex? Like how men and women look, sound, smell, dress, move their bodies and handle objects—all the things the French refer to when they exclaim, Vive la différence! 

Ways other than having sex I mean. Hopping into bed with everybody we are sexually attracted to can be just a bit crude, don't you think, and tiring too, not to speak of impractical? But shouldn't there be alternative modes of enjoying our libido needs, some middle way between infidelity and no sex at all? Because there's no reason we should shut down all sexual feelings except those we have for our spouse or significant other. 

In our modern world where working men and women constantly intermingle and there’s plenty of room for sexual interplay, why not practice more of the old sophisticated art of flirting, the tried and true form of lovemaking that stops short of intercourse? Why not make sexual love also a delicate game to play in the mind--yes, in glances, words and laughter too, but primarily in fantasies and dreams that mesmerize and satiate the soul! 

Of course to allow ourselves to exult in the attraction we feel for others and others feel for us we must first have learned to look at our sexuality without a hint of sin or shame, and to
treat it with respect as  both a source of joy and as our responsibility. It may take long to get there depending on how far behind we are and how much we want it, but get there we will!

Let me now sum up this blog, which has been an outline of my theory of  how the sexist society began and why we still live in one. See next post. 

    

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